What Your Editor Really Thinks As She Edits Your Book
Worried she's dissing your writing in her head? Well...worry no more.
Friend, does the thought of sending your work to an editor terrify you? I mean, everyone knows editors love nothing more than ripping holes in a writer’s self-esteem with a blunt red pen like some sadistic literary Nurse Ratched, living for the chance to drop a scathing condemnation of your talent and potential in a Track Changes comment. Right?
And as you hand her your words with more than a little trepidation, do you find yourself envisioning the many creative versions of “this book is terrible—what made this author ever think she could write words” on repeat in her mind as she reads them?
Or perhaps your novel contains some . . . spicy bits. Does your brain do Olympic-level gymnastics to shelter you from the thought of another human evaluating your sixteen increasingly unique ways to say the word “penis”? (If so, boy, do I have some news for YOU about what happens when you publish and get readers.)
Er. Sorry to disappoint. The reality is a lot more boring than that.
As a thought exercise (hahahaha, see what I did there?), I kept a running journal of every passing cogitation (those I noticed) that popped into my head as I line edited a recent project.
To help set your mind at ease, I’m now sharing the list with you. Here it is, in no particular frequency ranking and with most of them removed (since 90 percent were some form of “When’s lunch?”)—what I really think as I edit your book:
“When’s supper?”
“Ugh. No, cat, I do NOT want to cuddle right now. Am busy.”
“Okay, fine, you @$!^% cat, get your fuzzy ass up here. Five minutes, that’s it.”
(Half an hour later) “Ow, dammit, did you really need to dig your claws into my boob?”
“Ah, finally, now I can get back to work. Just need more coffee.”
(Stares out the window.) “Hmmm, if there are twenty squirrels per acre of woods all hiding approximately fifteen nuts a day every autumn, what’s the over-under on them finding all of those by spring? And how can I keep those mangy forest rats out of my bird feeders?”
“Ah ha! I have now reached page two. I should be done with this line edit by next Christmas.”
(Five hours later) *sobs* “I’m only on page three??! F it, gonna go watch some Netflix.”
“Oh yeah, missing comma, I see you. Wait—”
“Wow, this writer really knows her dictionary. Why can’t I write like this??” *sobs*
“He DIDN’T!!!!”
(Next page) *gasps* “He DID!!! That cagey bastard.”
“Hmmmm, how can I write this comment so it’s wise, professional, helpful, and makes me look like I know what I’m doing? F it—” (Writes: AU: Might need a rephrase. That’s it. That’s the comment.)
“Ooh, ooh! I know this one! I just saw it in CMOS last week. Let me just do a quick search—”
(Five hours later) “@$!^% CMOS. Who made this trash 1,000 pages long, and why can I never find anything in it?”
“Gonna just flag this so I can find it later.” (Spoiler alert: she never finds it later.)
“Aw, yeah, a sex scene. This’ll wake me up.”
“Oh, wow, I never thought of describing female genitalia that way.” (Opens writing notebook. Makes an entry.) (Erases it.)
“Just what does mocha-cappuccino-half-caff-latte colored skin look like? Is it pale with chocolate undertones? Or maybe coffee with cream? Dammit! Going to Starbucks.”
“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. Heh.”
“NO! SONG! LYRICS!”
“Wait. What? What just happened?” (reads it again) “No! NO, she can’t just go off with him like that! She belongs with Umberto. They’re, like, perfect for each other. F’in author!!” (throws something and sulks)
“Uh…should this be hyphenated? Triple hyphenated?! Where’d all the hyphens go? What does Merriam-Webster’s say?” (MW turns up nothing.) “Okay, what about CMOS?” (CMOS says nothing.) “Dammit. Fine. I’ll just put hyphens in random places and hope it’s right.”
“This writer is going to think I’m a terrible editor and will hate everything I do.”
“Why did I ever think I could become an editor??? I suck.”
“OOH! Sneaky dangling modifier. I’m a pretty damn good editor. Heh.”
(Finishes editing book.) *sighs* “It’s over already? When does the sequel come out?”
*****
And there you have it—the random flotsam of an editor’s brain.
So, writer friend, remember this: editors are humans, humans who love to read. They have the same fears, insecurities, mundane worries, joys, challenges, and needs as you. They adore your book. They truly, desperately want you to succeed.
Cuz if not, they’ll never get to read that sequel.